


But It’s Not Funny

by GothMoth



Series: Ectobers Ectoplasmic Splatters [28]
Category: Danny Phantom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Comedy, Crossover, Danny's seen some shit, Gen, Ghost King Danny Fenton, Mild Angst, Sequel, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:01:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26887789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GothMoth/pseuds/GothMoth
Summary: Tony has a bad habit of adopting strays. Particularly the stupidly heroic kind that were too reckless and too selfless for their own good. So of course he wasn’t going to just ignore the random teen that literally saved the universe only to disappear into the future. Even if said teen was somewhat dead and the only hero left in a world and time that seriously needed more.
Series: Ectobers Ectoplasmic Splatters [28]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1511411
Comments: 32
Kudos: 458
Collections: A Phantom Rule





	But It’s Not Funny

**Author's Note:**

> Ectober 2020 Day 7: Hero  
> *a sequel to Realities Little Joke For Infinity*  
> Highly recommend reading that first but it’s not exactly necessary.

Tony grins as he finally gets the connection to work, making his face appear on the strange future teens laptop; or whatever tech people used in whatever time this kid’s in. Going a bit wide-eyed and wheezing when the first thing he sees is Phantom -in alien PJ’s, because of course the first thing he sees on the kid who showed up in a t-shirt and jeans to an active _warzone_ is pjs- shrieking and jumping a foot off the ground while holding a full pot off coffee; which predictably sends the contents of said coffee pot flying into the air and splattering all over the teens face and floor.

Phantom looks to the screen slowly, with steaming coffee dripping off his chin, hair and eyelashes, “ _seriously_?”.

At that Tony can’t help but bend over laughing. Straightening up and looking at the coffee pot, “what were you even doing walking around with a full coffee pot?”.

“ _Well I **was** going to drink it. But now it’s as empty as my wallet_”, Phantom looks down at the pot and grumbles, “ _ya know what? Fuck it. I’m still gonna drink it_ ”, then pointing his finger around and telekinetically making all the droplets of coffee on him and the floor float back into the pot.

Tony watches, a little disgusted, as the kid practically takes a full swing of the previously spilled coffee, shrugs, and sits down by his own screen; feet clearly pulled up onto the chair seat as well and coffee pot cradled between his knees and chest. Tony eyeballs the coffee pot, “you’re really going to drink that huh?”.

Phantom shrugs, “ _I know what’s on my floor_ ”, looks down at the carpet and shrugs again while muttering, “ _a Zone damned biohazard of blood n’ ‘plasm that’s what. Oh!_ ”, eyes widening a little, “ _and a sock with a questionable stain_ ”, looking back to the screen, “ _‘s not like I can get sick anyway. I could drink this shit outta a radioactive waste barrel and be fine. Prob’ taste like shit tho_ ”. 

Tony wheezes both amused and pained, “please don’t kid”, that... that would definitely make him gag.

Phantom chuckles, “ _don’t intend to_ ”. 

The two sit in silence for a bit. Tony taking in the teens appearance. There’s hand-shaped bruising coating his neck, one of his fingers is clearly broken, and there’s a pencil-sized hole going clean through the other hands palm. Phantom doesn’t even seem to care about the state of his body, considering how relaxed he seems and the PJ’s. Plus, no way would Tony be carrying anything, including a full pot of coffee, with his hands in the state Phantom’s are.

Phantom yawns, Tony noticing that he’s missing more than a handful of teeth, before Phantom asks, “ _so...why’s the past tin can face-timing my laptop?_ ”.

Tony puts on a smile, so it was a laptop. Neat. “future or not, I’ve adopted you as one of my brats. I remember you saying there wasn’t superheroes in your age”, waving his hand around, “no older generation to guide the newer. Well you're getting the older generation now”, shrugging and smiling more genuinely, “plus underroos won’t stop talking about you”. Understatement of the century, Peter was _thrilled_ to meet another teen hero, and wouldn’t stop going on about what powers he might have or if he even has _anyone_ to support him. The latter Tony cares about more. 

Phantom wheezes, “ _whom the fuck is ‘underroos’?”_ , shaking his head, “ _so ya wanna be my mentor of sorts and help me blast my foes from the past?_ ”.

Tony smirks and nods, this kid’s humour sure was something else, “exactly. And you met before, the kid? Peter?”. Sure it had been a few months but he couldn’t have seriously just _forgotten_?

Phantom tilts his head, _“the red and blue teenager?”_.

Tony grins, “you got it, kid”, eyeing the teen's hands again, “your hands gonna be fine?”. 

Phantom waves one hand around, chugging more coffee, “ _eh don’t worry your metal ass about it. I heal like crazy_ ”, stretching his feet out and resting them on the desk, “ _I’m just putting it off a while on my hands ‘cause the broken ribs and missing bits of spine are kinda more important ya know?_ ”. 

Tony rubs his temples, “Jesus Christ”, just _how much damage_ can this teen sustain? That kind of injury should kill a person. 

Phantom laughs, probably at Tony’s pained expression, “ _don’t worry about that either! Not like I can die twice! Haha!_ ”.

Tony looks back to the screen at that, feeling a bit more serious, “yeah, Thanos said something like that. That you were dead but alive. And you confirmed it. What did he even mean?”. 

Phantom purses his lips, “ _well I **could** explain but that also **could** mess with the time stream and **could** result in some weird immoral science crap”_. Tony doesn’t get a chance to comment on that as Phantom turns his head to the side and whines exaggeratedly at the thin air, opening his mouth as wide as looks physically possible, maybe even past that, “ _tiiiiiiime dadddddddyyyyyyy, will this break the time stream? Your problem child has a proooooobleeeeeeem_ ”. 

Tony wheezes into his hands, “Christ”, and stares dumbfounded as a giant hourglass with purple sand comes out of nowhere and smacks the teen in the face, making Phantom fall out of the chair with a thud. 

Phantom groans and begins laughing, righting himself and spinning the hourglass around, pointing the bottom of it at the screen, it reading ‘you’re fine’. Tony is so not reading into that, kid had someone like Strange in his corner. Phantom sits back down, lifting up the hourglass like it’s a weight, “ _Kay Kay Kay, so I’m a halfa right? Unique creature, that’s what I am. A fucked up little science project gone wrong, or right. Your choice. My folks screwed up in the lab and boom!_ ”, he sticks his limbs out comically before righting himself and catching the coffee pot he effectively tossed in the air, “ _a whack-a-mole of electricity and a wormhole decided to stop my tiny little heart. Also restarted it too though! So it’s cool_ ”, tilting his head, “ _wait... didn’t I already explain this_?”.

Tony sighs, “sort of. We _were_ in the middle of a war”.

Phantom quirks an eyebrow, “ _your point? That was, like, the bloody third one I’ve been in_ ”, rolling his hand around, “ _first there was the High Ghost King, his fifty-thousand odd skeletons, and objects of near-unlimited power. The alternate future where an evil me single-handedly annihilated humanity, talk about traumatising having to fight yourself literally_ ”, tilting his head, “ _and no clue if the plant guy with his army of mind-controlled people and plants or the sleep guy with his army of Walkers, counted as ‘wars’. And eh!_ ”, snapping his fingers, “ _there was that guy I stole the Reality Gauntlet from! He took over the planet and turned people into clowns and shit. So that might be big enough to count as a war, even if it was just him versus me. But then the tornado guy caused storms all over the planet too so would that count then too?_ ”, shrugging, “ _eh whatever. I’m sticking with three. Pariah would have eventually destroyed the Zone, which woulda ended the universe. Dan was actively on his way to ending all life in the universe, probably all death too. And grape guy, Thanos, was about to annihilate half the life in the universe which honestly would just end all life eventually... maybe_ ”. 

Tony stares at the kid before wheezing some more and falling backwards, “Christ”, righting himself and his chair, “there is something seriously wrong with your life. Like, _seriously_ _wrong_ ”. Apparently the future was a freaking mess and fixing its crap was all on one random teen's shoulders. All because the kid _died_ , which somehow gave him superpowers, and decided to make something good out of that death. Talk about unfair. And messed up. Really messed up. At least Tony had his team and they had each other, “please tell me you have _some kind_ _of support?”_. 

Phantom grins and nods eagerly, “ _got my guy in the chair techy, he destroyed a sataliget once! My rich activist goth, she sued one of my enemies into oblivion. And a ghost hunter who only sometimes tries to murder me and got a nanobot supersuit running through her veins; she can lowkey kick my ass if I hold back enough to avoid accidentally killing the living_ ”, wagging his finger at the screen and getting really close, “ _us dead fucks are borderline indestructible immortals, halfas even more so_ ”, leaning back and shrugging, “ _can still die, or fade it’s called for the spookies, though. Well, most can anyway. Timedaddy’s straight-up immortal. But if they died then, well, then the universe would literally implode from the time-stream collapsing_ ”, and makes a little explosion sound and motion with his hands. Oh fuck, the kid was really just a damn kid. And from the sounds of it, his entire support was _three teenagers_. Ah Hell. Oh and some time being, ghost?, that just _left him to his own devices_. 

Tony shakes his head, “you know what? That doesn’t actually make me feel any better”.

Phantom shrugs, drinks, swishes the coffee around, “ _don’t know what to tell you, man, my entire existence is pretty fucked up. My archenemy is my uncle, wants to adopt me, and gave me his inheritance. My girlfriend has a solid murder boner for me. My parents get giddy at the idea of dissecting me and are actually worse about that the odd time they’ve been successful. The kids’ at school think I’m their personal punching bag. The government would love to shoot me full of missiles and bombs. Pretty sure my sis is just using me for her research paper on ghost psychology or whatever. And my friendships are pretty much based on the three of us just being really weird_ ”. 

Tony groans, this kid probably needed more help and support that literally _any_ other teen or hero. “ _ClockPops is great though. We play chess_ ”,

Tony blinks, mentally pausing, “you... play chess? Seriously?”, this kid seemed to have more issues sitting still than Peter did. Tony finds it hard to believe he can sit through even _half_ a game of chess. 

Phantom nods and grins, “ _yup. Switched the pieces out for shot-glasses once, it was great. One of my teachers is cool too. He crossdressed and pretended to be his own sister to get me to try harder on a test; it worked better than it had any right to_ ”. 

Tony blinks and breathes, “your life”, shaking his head because it sounded like the future was just pure insanity, “well now I’m here and while I’m a bit reckless and a recovering alcoholic, I’m not insane”. 

Phantom chuckles, “ _I’ll probably prove to be a bit much for you then. I’d have to be stupid to not think I’m not at least marginally nuts. Nowhere near frootloopy but eh_ ”. 

Tony sighs, being self-aware enough -or just not giving enough of a damn- to recognise that was both impressive and depressing. Impressively depressing. “A few of us Avengers are trained doctors and psychologists outside of being experienced heroes. So kid? You’ve got all of us. At least for verbal advice. Strange already went and basically confirmed that paying you a visit wasn’t a smart idea”. 

Phantom snorts and rolls his eyes, sipping a bit more before staring down the pot at the small amount left. Speaking into the pot, “ _oh yeah, I can just imagine all the time problems that could cause. I’m surprised **this** is okay_”. 

Tony can’t help chuckling at the slightly silly image, though he’s not sure why the kid doesn’t just drink what’s left, savouring it maybe? “Same. Strange looked at me like he was questioning my sanity. He’s probably going to pester you about the Clock guy you keep mentioning”, grumbling to the side, “I just hope Loki will keep his trickster mitts off you”. Because fuck, they’d probably get on like fire and _more fire_. Which yeah, slightly horrifying mental image. Probably inevitable though. Loki was already impressed, amused, and interested by Phantom and literally everything the teen did after showing up. Seriously though, who’s first thought when fighting giant spaceships with mouths and other horrifying shit, is to _turn it into bouncy balls and worms??_? And a smoothie for a reward? For effectively saving the universe? Kid was a trickster, dabbled in death kind of literally, and ‘gave precisely zero fucks’. Loki would have a field day and probably be a horrid influence. Though thinking of it, Phantom might be a bad influence _on Loki_. Loki generally had reasons for anything beyond mild messing with people. Phantom seemed more likely to just go buck wild purely because he could. Even if he seemingly had a heart of gold and more self-sacrificial bones in his body than _actual_ bones. Seemed like his entire world/time belittled and beat the shit out of him, and yet he gladly got _dissected_ and lost chunks of his freaking _spine_ for them. At least he had the power to back it up.

Tony quirks an eyebrow at mist, or something, leaving the kid’s mouth before Phantom goes wide-eyed and Tony jerks as an actual literal swear-on-every-ironsuit-and-the-entire-tower cartoonish rocket smashes apart what he’s assuming is-was a window; sending glass flying everywhere... and Phantom flying off-screen, the coffee pot going up in the air and sounding like it smashed apart on the ground. 

Tony can practically _hear_ the glare in Phantom’s voice, “ _hey! You spilled my damn coffee_!”, while a robot blasts into the room, breaking more glass and bits of wood from the looks of it. 

The robot pauses, seems to frown apologetically before shrugging, “ _apologies whelp, but it is no matter! You won’t need such things after I skin you!_ “. Tony chokes and gags a little at that. “ _Also_ -”, pointing to where Phantom probably is, “ _-that was practically empty_ ”. Tony then stares as Phantom comes back in screen -looking all black and white- only for the robot to shoot a missile at him immediately, Phantom just sort of shrugs and lets the missile hit him in the face. This kid seriously really didn’t give a damn about his own well being. 

And not even seconds later Peter walks in out of the blue, face lighting up as he notices the screen and probably Phantom’s very noticeable self on it, and dashes over. Obviously noticing Phantom’s current situation, “oh Phantom! Kick his butt!”. 

Phantom does a silly thumbs up at the screen and immediately gets stabbed in the shoulder. Tony watches in slight disbelief at the kid looking at the knife, saying, “ _oh! You got a new knife! Shit is the handle engraved?!?_ ”. And the robot actually stops and replies with a wide grin, “ _it was a valentines gift from Ember! Impressive right?_ ”.

Tony and Peter both blink at the fight effectively stopping as Phantom pulls out the knife and looks it over, seeming impressed, “ _actually yeah_ ”, pointing almost aggressively at the robot, “ _you got her something too right? You’re fucking horrible for that man_ ”. 

The robot rolls Its eyes, how metal is moving that organically Tony has no clue. “ _Of course whelp, those drum sticks you can sing into_ ”. Phantom facepalms and Peter actually shakes his head in disappointment. Though Tony agrees, that was awful. But who talks with their enemy -who wants to skin them for peat's sake!- about presents?

Phantom makes a tsk tsk sound, “ _you dumbass, she got you a sick-ass knife and you got her a knick-knack? Seriously?_ ”, Phantom walks off-screen, the two watching as what they’re assuming is cash flys over to the robot and Phantom returns on screen, “ _go by some flowers to make up for that crappy present. And for the love of everything, **don’t** get roses_”, waving his hand around, “ _that’s **so** cliche. Go with tulips and forget-me-nots_”.

The robot inspects the cash before flying off-screen, presumably back out through the window It destroyed, “ _I will have your pelt next time, whelp!_ ”.

Phantom chuckles, shouting back, “ _sure you will, **Skulkie! Ghost Zones greatest hunter**_ ”. Tony and Peter can feel the sarcasm in that. “ _Also! No you don’t have to ask! An engraved knife would be a wicked Christmas Truce present!_ ”. Tony sighs when a ball or something slams into Phantom’s stomach and sends him flying off-screen. 

Peter leaning towards the camera, “woah! You okay?”. 

Phantom’s laughter echoes horribly, “ _right as rain! Mind you, it’s not actually raining_ ”, righting himself and pulling himself up into the previously knocked over chair, “ _don't mind Skulker, he’s a poacher and I’m rare. Practically one of a kind actually. A poachers dream prize. His girlfriend has a mind-controlling guitar and occasionally attempts at world domination_ ”. A ghost-shaped guitar floats on-screen, Phantom grabbing it, “ _she gives awesome presents though_ ”, and gives the guitar a good couple strums. 

Peter’s eyes go wide, “you can play the guitar?!?”, tilting his head and asking what is in Tony’s opinion a more important question, “wait, your enemies _buy you presents?_ ”, tilting his head back, “oh man that’s awesome”. Tony just shakes his head with a smile, _teenagers_. 

Phantom grins and strums some more before the guitar floats off-screen, “ _all my enemies do_ ”, shrugging, _“for the Christmas Truce and my death-day anyway. But that’s normal. A ghost culture thing. Even the prison warden guy, whose got special torture weapons set aside just for little ol’ me, buys me some kind of present. Heck! Even the eyeballs do! And they’ve repeatedly tried to assassinate me_ ”. 

Tony blinks, “kid, that makes no sense. But I’m glad they’re at least _occasionally_ nice to you”. Hell knows Phantom needs _someone_ to be nice to him. 

Peter tilts his head, “what even is a ‘death-day’? Sounds dark”. 

“ _Oh nothing special, just the day I died. Like a birthday! But for death! A real **dead-ringer** of a holiday!_”, and laughs loudly before rolling his eyes at Tony, waving his hand around, “ _eh, I’m kinda their king so be kinda a dick move to **not** give me gifts on literally the two biggest holidays_”.

Peter practically shrieks, “WHAT! You’re a _king_! Oh that is _so cool_ ”. Tony blinks, “you _did_ mention something about being the guardian of death _and_ Earth”. 

Phantom laughs some more and finger-guns while winking at Peter, “ _yup! Very important, much power_ ”, and grins stupidly before pointing to the air above his head; a green floating crown bursting to ‘life’ with green mist or something wafting off, followed by a black cape with a flaming white collar and large flaming green skulls pinning it closed with a shadowy chain. 

Peter cheers immediately, then adding, “Loki would love this!”. Tony points at him, “no. I want to keep that one as far away as possible for as long as possible”. 

Phantom snickers, “ _I have chronic bad luck, so don’t count on that working out for you. Spidey probably has better tastes than you though, Ironass_ ”. 

Tony shakes his head with a smile, “you like making up names for people huh?”. 

Phantom grins meanly, “ _it pisses people off. Which makes them easier to hit_ ”, and holds up a fist, smacking a hand on his bicep. 

Tony can’t help but laugh at that, “you got a point kid!”, though that was stupid reckless, and effectively confirmed him being tricky. One of Tony’s tech toys starts beeping so she moves to check it out. Peter taking his place in the chair. Glancing back at Tony before looking back to the screen, “hey I’ve got a question, teen to teen. What’s being a hero to you? Why do you do it? It just... it seems like your only suffering for it. _Waaaaay_ more than normal. And not making stuff much better for it”. 

Phantom hums, spinning around in the chair, “ _a hero's not afraid to give their life, and anything worth doing is worth getting hurt for. I do it so others will not suffer. That is all. It doesn’t matter if things change or not. If there’s still unnecessary violence and pain, then it is still a hero's place to grab their fists around it and pulverise it to Hell and back. So long as cruelty exists I will be there to stand against it. With a smile on my face and a laugh in my heart and Core. Because there is no greater joy, no greater choice, no greater path, than self-sacrifice for the sake of another. Regardless who they are, what they are. Good or bad. Young or old. And whether they support you, **or not**_ ”, Phantom nods, puts his hands behind his head, cape bunching up, and looks to the side, “ _and maybe someday things **will** change. I doubt it, but who knows. But if things do, if that kind of future is on the horizon, then I think I’ll rest. Until then, I’ll be here. Doing what I do and suffering immeasurably for it. Until the world doesn’t need ‘heroes’ anymore. Till it doesn’t need **me** anymore”, _looking back at the screen, Tony having walked back over slowly though the kid doesn’t pay him any mind, _“so I guess, being a hero to me is being the embodiment of a brighter future. To absorb the suffering of the world_ ”, sticking a finger up, “ _like a paper towel!_ ”. Tony chokes at that a little; though the kids' sudden seriousness and introspection was just as startling as last time. 

Tony shakes his head, “you make it sound like you’re immortal, kid. Also, that’s what a team’s for, to help share the load. The burden. Sure your ideals are noble and probably needed, but you can’t help _anyone_ if you destroy yourself”. 

Phantom smiles but something about it seems almost... _sad_. “ _In a way, I **am**. A ghost can not die and a human can not fade. A ghost ceases to exist when they fade and a human when they die. Yet I can do neither. So that raises the question, what is ‘death’ for a halfa? An idea? An ideal? A reality? Or just pointless conjecture. And besides, for a ghost to fade they must satiate their Obsession. Be satisfied with the fulfilment of their existence_”, pointing to his chest, “ _and my Obsession? **Protection**. To protect is a physical and mental need for me. And it will never be satisfied till there’s nothing left needing protection. And it is thus that I will always be here_”, shrugging and chuckling, “ _likely anyway_ ”. 

Tony blinks, that... that changed a lot actually. It also _explained_ a lot. This wasn’t some kid playing hero, or even an experienced hero just doing what’s right and their job. This wasn’t someone stuck in a bad way and doing what needed to be done purely because no one else could. This wasn’t someone trying to do good to make up for their sorted past. This was someone wise beyond their years, with little to no regard for themselves, and a living -half-living- embodiment of the word ‘hero’. Watching the teen turn his head at someone -likely his mom- shouting that supper was ready. There was a rocket-powered fistfight minutes ago and his parents’ _didn’t even check on him._ Christ that was depressing. But it also made him want to help this kid out all the more. 

Phantom turns back to the screen, “ _whelp that’s my queue then I guess. And let me guess? This-_ ” gesturing at the screen, “ _-is gonna become a thing? Which totally cool, little warning next time. And keep this mind, walking the straight and narrow takes more time than I got. I will steal, mildly harm, trick, and lie, as I see fit_ ”.

Tony rolls his eyes, he’d expect no different from a kid basically left up to their own devices, “we’re all guilty of that, kid”. Phantom just laughs as the screen goes dark. 

Tony leans back, well fuck, he wasn’t prepared for the kid to have shit _that bad._ And the King situation definitely threw him through a loop. He’ll have to talk to Thor -not Loki, dear God not Loki- about that. Being a hero _and_ a king. 

Regardless, they’re gonna help the weird spooky future kid out. And Peter absolutely liked Phantom, which hopefully wouldn’t be a bad thing. Hopefully. (And it wasn’t, if you ignored Peter carrying out more than a few pranks on Phantom’s behalf).

**End**.


End file.
